im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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