I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
