Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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