he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
