The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
