Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
