i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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