she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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