When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize