I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
