Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
