Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
