woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize