my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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