My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
