I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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