So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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