Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
