i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
