my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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