I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
