If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
