If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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