they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
