Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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