i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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