Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
