and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
