just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
