The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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