your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize