If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
