dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
