There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
