how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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