When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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