I love black thongs
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He felt like a one man threesome
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
