I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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