a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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