sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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