I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
