He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
