she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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