It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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