Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
