I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
