My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
