i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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