tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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