hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
