you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
