I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
