Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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