I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
