so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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