you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
