When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm having to shit out rocks
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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